We live in a brave new world in which credible news sources and freedom of press are so 2000 and late. We’re so divided that the actual President of the United States literally has called free press a public enemy and has ominously threatened to cancel the licenses of any news sources he doesn’t agree with. You may wonder how we got to this point, that journalism has to be defended as a cornerstone of democracy and foundational to our country’s principles, but literally, it’s the most unsurprising narrative to happen in the Upside Down that 2017 is turning out to be.
So if you’re trying to decide which news source is right for you, it’s only fair that you be able to judge them on the only acceptable and completely trustworthy scale there is…Mean Girls characters, obviously.
For your consideration, the only unbiased listicle you’ll ever need that somehow mixes the First Amendment with Kevin G! Enjoy, news junkies!
Buzzfeed: Gretchen Weiners
Gretchen Weiners is full of secrets; that’s why her hair is so big. Likewise, Buzzfeed’s secret to success is also its sheer quantity. Hours and hours of inexhaustible celebrity gossip, mildly funny tweets, and endless listicles about which Disney Princes you should date ((The Beast, obviously)). But once in the blue moon, Buzzfeed forgets its place and tries to do something *original* and *political*, like, I don’t know, break the news to the world about the dossier alleging the Infamous Pee Tapes. But just like when Gretchen Weiners tried to start “fetch”, the world just wasn’t having it. Nice try, Buzzfeed, but no Pulitzer for you, bye.
New York Times: Principal Duvall
NYT did not leave the southside for this. As one of the oldest and most respected news sources around, one could say they’re really holding down the fort in this whole “maelstrom of horrible fiery garbage trash” that is our current media climate. But the way it keeps having to defend itself as veritable and credible is def like Principal Duvall having to listen to teenage girls talk about their heavy flows…it just shouldn’t happen.
Washington Post: Kevin G
Freakin’ sick. Wicked smart. Will steal your girl….’s attention. WaPo tells it like it is but bent with a little bit of moralistic superiority. It tells stories that make you care as well as shining a light on what other sources are too exhausted to even pursue. What rhymes with “Trump’s Tax Plan Approval Rating is 34“? Maybe …
CNN: Ms. Norbury
CNN has had its fair share of problems this year. From its divorce from its husband to its frequent appearances in attack tweets from POTUS, it could really use a break. But CNN is the teacher you kind of wish didn’t try so hard to lead you in the right direction with positive encouragement and excellent Freedom Project content. CNN is a pusher, especially with its constant anxiety-inducing BREAKING NEWS banners.
The Skimm: Cady Heron
The Skimm is a Regulation Hottie. It “skims” various news sources from all political backgrounds to bring the highlights right to your inbox so you don’t have to do all the dirty work, like infiltrating the Plastics. While it’s palatable and for the most part remembers to wear pink on Wednesdays, it can be entirely flippant in its pursuit to make huge, complex issues like the Rohingya crisis and North Korea aggressions into GIF-sized bites. But hey, it’s still just trying to figure out who it is in this crazy girl world.
McSweeney’s: Art Freaks
Just like Janice Ian and Damian, McSweeney’s has a dark sense of humor and an unabashedly bias view on life. When reading it, you’ll chuckle, feel like you “really get it, ya know”, but then afterwards doubt if its tactics are actually constructive. But hey, it’s always itself even when it’s “too ironic to function”.
Betches: Regina George’s Mom
Is it actually news? Hell no. Is there a sorority out there that definitely views the site as credible fact? Yes. Would the creators of Betches actually be flattered by this comparison? Yes. Its current trending article is called “This ‘Friends’ Fan Theory About Monica and Joey Has Me Shooketh” but they also have a “Real Life” section that talks about current events literally with the tagline “Wait, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East?”. It’s a hot mess but hey, at least it’s hot.
FoxNews: Jason, the skeez who needs to shave his back now
You have to be suspicious of a news source who has yet to publish a negative article of Trump and in fact, smugly curates articles to get the approval of Trump. It’s little more than state propaganda, with its unwillingness to follow the Russia investigation and allowance of some of the most racist, sexist vitriol I’ve ever had the misfortune to see in its comment sections. Also the fact it literally uses the word “haters” in some of its headlines is such a skeez move. It has a massive audience of people who use it as their only news source and manipulates them by its tailor-made content to think somehow Hillary is still the problem. Let’s all hope FoxNews gets a metaphorical CD player to the face soon.
Breitbart: Coach Carr Who Made Out With Trang Pak
Honestly, the scummiest of scum still doesn’t do Breitbart true justice in just how deplorable it really is. Its crime isn’t that its content is barely qualifies as a cohesive thought let alone any kind of fact or it decides that Ann Coulter’s opinion should be broadcasted, like it really contributes to the betterment of the world. Oh no, its gleeful part in the rise and permittance of neo-Nazism and white supremacy in our national dialogue makes it 100% unacceptable, just like Coach Carr. Wait, what is that he’s spelling? Covfefe??
BBC: Glenn Coco
BBC is our saving grace, our lighthouse in a storm, our last safe harbor. You kind of forget about it in the avalanche of constant content always rushing towards you but it’s always there, ever faithful, to remind you that the world is bigger and more beautiful than our messed-up American political atmosphere. Four for you, BBC, you go, BBC.
Jokes aside, our media usage is important and while it should be constantly monitored to make sure the American public is told the truth, it is undoubtedly crucial to the fabric of our society. How can we expect to do better if we don’t even have the tools to stay relevant and informed? It’s important to know what people are reading from all political perspectives because after all, what would America be without its free press and Mean Girls without its colorful characters (minus Coach Carr, duh).
At the end of the day, let’s all just agree not to use Facebook as fact, okay?
*these opinions are my own so take them with a grain of salt, ya know. I’ve often been called salty so I don’t mind*