humor maybe · Style

The Latest 2017 Beauty and Style Tips

Hey hey hey, fashion lovers, it’s me, Margaret! As you know, I always try to do my best to keep you readers up to date with what’s going on in the world…of style and beauty, of course! Hahaha I bet you probably thought I meant the real world where very real threats to people’s dignity and freedom are being flaunted but that’s for the men to deal with! This blog piece is just a little listicle of my favorite fashion tips for the new year because I’m no “nasty woman” or “disgusting” Madonna-follower; I care about what’s really important.

Here’s how you too can start your 2017 off the right way:

  1. Keep all that icky political and moral quandary at bay by literally sticking your head in sand just like the sleek and elegant ostrich. Order yourself a bag of imported sand, put it in one of those plastic tubs, and bury your whole head for as long as necessary. The sand will gently exfoliate your skin and the oxygen-deprived hallucinations will remind you of a time when the biggest problem about a president’s past was that he once smoked weed.
  2. Relax in a nice hot bath to soothe your aching muscles that have been in a perpetual clench since Election Night. Stay in there for the next four years. Practice your back float in the meantime, in case there is ever a possibility of swimming across Lake Ontario to the bright Canadian shores. Pro-tip: they welcome immigrants there.
  3. Pockets are so in right now. Pockets on skirts. Pockets on dresses. Pockets that are actually pockets and not those stupid fake pockets that clothing brands insist on putting on women’s stuff only. The best part about pockets is that you can easily fit pocket Constitutions in there or like lipstick or something. Brush up on your religious and free speech rights without having to carry a purse!
  4. One of the hottest looks for 2017 is wearing “alternative clothes”. That means trying to fashion objects that are definitely not articles of clothing into a fun new look. So wear a tire, pages torn from books, several wigs sewn together. Be creative. In 2017, we don’t have to understand “reality” or “truth” because those are concepts sold to us by liberal mainstream media. We live in a world of “alternative facts“…so celebrate that in your “alternative dress” made out of slices of ham. It’s the sexier, vaguer version of the Emperor’s New Clothes!!
  5. In the past, I would have suggested things like soaking in Icelandic hot springs or going boutique shopping along the Champs-Élysées but that’s so old news. The new thing is to never travel again! Because if you’re a valid visa holding citizen from certain banned countries, you will not be allowed to come back. So stay inside of our cute little borders and shop around here for a change! America first, ammirite?
  6. And if you’re questioning why it’s these certain countries in the Middle East that have been banned but not the ones that Donald Trump has personal business with, well go ahead and flush that thought away! We don’t want worry lines or wrinkles forming! Besides, if last Saturday proved anything, ladies shouldn’t be thinking anyway; to quote Gaston, that might lead to ideas!
  7. Sanctuary cities are fun and stylish. Live in harmony alongside refugees of all faiths who have gone through hell and serious vetting processes to try to find a semblance of peace and the absence of the threat of violence in their lifetime; this is how America was built, after all. Also sanctuary cities are a really cool place to dress up like Esmeralda from “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” and twirl around with your newly acquired pet goat.
  8. National Parks are really making a huge comeback right now from virtual obscurity…just like the rose gold hair color. Go ahead and get your hair dyed in this fetching color while hiking amongst our country’s most beautiful sites. Maybe scroll through the Badlands twitter feed while you’re at it. Our nat’l parks seem to be the only ones speaking out against administration lies while also protesting the censorship placed on the EPA. Also….take some selfies there!
  9. Hurry up and make a cleansing homemade avocado facial mask while you can! Those prices may go up as Trump hordes means to build his wall. I know he promised Mexico would pay for his ridiculous idea but it turns out it will be paid by white millennial women as they just have to have their avocado and toast brunches!
  10. Layers are super in. Layer up in love. In meaningful dialogue. In support. In respect for everyone, even those across the aisle who are still our neighbors and community members. In faith. Put on those layers that will help you resist the urge to think that any of this is or was or should be normal. Put on cute scarf too; it’s cold at those outdoor protests!

So all of this stuff is so 2008 but what’s 2000 and late? Glad you asked. Here’s the definitely out list:

  1.  Not only are top knots, indoor beanies, and pleather pants old news, so are the joke third-party votes for stupid stuff like Harambe or Jill Stein that cost us a sane president. Those were all terrible ideas that we should all regret. Never again, am I right, people??
  2. Also totally unstylish? Racism, islamophobia, and sexism! They’ve never been cool or logical or just but they sure have been popular back in the day. It’s like when everyone in middle school wore gaucho pants. It was always a horrible idea but sheeple went along with it. We have the opportunity to change that but for some reason our lawmakers are all wearing gaucho pants. Call it out. Hey, Pence, your gaucho pants look awful and unflattering and hypocritical! Remember the time that you were like “oh gaucho pants are offensive and unconstitutional”? Yeah, let’s get back to that. Please be the leader people need you to be because somewhere down deep is a kind, loyal Hoosier who surely cannot think gaucho pants are doing anything for his figure.
  3. So last year? Fake orange spray tans.

 

Alright, party people, that’s it from me. Any other style tips I missed? As always, stay cute! That’s what clearly matters the most right now.

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2 thoughts on “The Latest 2017 Beauty and Style Tips

  1. Thank you Maggie. I was going to leave some sarcastic witticism but I actually just want to say thank you. I am proud that you are my niece.

  2. amazing. jacob read this to me from facebook, and i thought, maybe i should get back on facebook … and then i thought, no. fortunately, i get your amazing blog delivered right to my email.

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