humor maybe · Style

Beauty Tricks: How to Pinch your Pennies

Ladies, we’ve all been there. You’re standing in SuperTarget under the harsh fluorescent lights scientifically designed to make you feel like the Before picture, angrily looking at the outrageous prices of products that will essentially just paint over your face. You’re cursing the patriarchy and wondering why the hell men don’t have to shell out the big bucks for products that we women won’t even notice them sporting (or if we do, we’ll say things like “you should really just be more natural, baby”).

I commiserate! I’m ready to share all my well-discovered tips and tricks with you even though I’m supposed to view you fellow women as competition. Feminism really is alive and well! Anyways, here are some great tips to help you save your hard-earned 77 cents to the dollar!

  1. Wear last night’s eye makeup look as today’s mysterious smokey eye. No one will even notice that sexy, dangerous-looking sty begin to form from sleeping in mascara.
  2. One time a saleswoman once told me that I shouldn’t leave the house without coloring in my eyebrows. My bold style tip: don’t ever leave your house again. Become a mysterious, sexy shut-in and develop agoraphobia! It’ll save on the big bucks. Boo Radley is the new Kardashian sisters.
  3. It’s common knowledge that Stanford rapist Brock Turner only was in jail for less than three months; it’s also common knowledge that you’re supposed to switch out your mascara every three months. Why do what makes sense, like lock up a rapist or follow basic makeup hygiene instruction? Keep the mascara tube for several months so it will remind you of how ridiculous our justice system is. Every time someone denies rape culture, go ahead and whip out that crusty, dusty mascara tube and let them know that if justice didn’t protect the anonymous victim who penned this tour-de-force required reading, then it doesn’t protect any of us.
  4. Save the pencil shavings from your eyeliner to eventually create a kind of paste that you can wear like football stripes. You’re welcome, ladies!
  5. Instead of lipstick, constantly eat red Tootsie Pops. It’ll rot your teeth but FASHION matters.
  6. Do what I do and never brush out your hair. Wait, Maggie, will that create those perfect beachy curls I’ve always dream of?? Good news, it does not. Instead, you’ll slowly develop a nest on top of your head filled with brambles and twine and old CVS receipts. It’ll attract birds but also, nature is so in right now. It’s a good way to be mindful of the environment while still looking fab.
  7. Freckles?! According to this ad, more like FLAWS. Get rid of those imperfections by chemically burning them off. It’ll save on the cover-up in the long run!
  8. You know what’s cheaper than any brand makeup and is 100% effective?? A paper bag over your head! Bypass being constantly critiqued on your appearance the old-fashioned way!
  9. OMG, you know what’s sooooo embarrassing? Forgetting water-proof mascara, because that’s right folks, women are expected to still wear makeup even on the beach! Forget the product all together by just not enjoying water ever again! Ocean, schmocean.
  10. But Maggie, what about important events where I might cry like weddings or bat mitzvahs? First off, you know that my dream is to be invited to a bat/bar mitzvah so stop bragging, Karen. Secondly, just do what I did and surgically remove your tear ducts! Again, think about the investment.
  11. But Maggie, what if I wear makeup for myself because I like enhancing my natural beauty and I like my face just the way it is? THEN GO AHEAD AND TREAT YO SELF, KWEEN. I’m talking like, Sephora-treat yo self, or even CVS Maybelline-treat yo self. The sky’s your limit, shooting star!4fbcdf80-9e72-0132-44ec-0ebc4eccb42f
  12. But Maggie, what if I don’t want to wear makeup on the reg because it takes time in the morning I could use to sleep in, or resolve the Zika crisis, or empower underprivileged cats to achieve their dreams? Then I would have to say, YOU’RE SOME ALICIA KEYS INSPIRATIONAL GODDESS and go get it, girl.repeat-after-tina
  13. Maggie, this post didn’t help me at all and didn’t resolve if women should or should not reject or embrace makeup??? You got it!!! You figured it out, you beautiful Einstein. Now go out there and make the world a better place by caring about issues that really matter!

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3 thoughts on “Beauty Tricks: How to Pinch your Pennies

  1. Maggie, you are incredible, and I read your blog posts out loud in public every chance I get. Usually to the people sitting with me, but loud enough that hopefully the family sharing Sunday brunch at the next table will also hear you tear rape culture to SHREDS.

    I conclude with my usual request: please stay in my life forever.

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