After getting yet another LinkedIn email that told me I need to congratulate a vague acquaintance on her job promotion, I began my once-a-month “just start applying to everything like the NBC page program and Yale Divinity school because I AM THE DEFINITION OF AIMLESS” job search.
I had to google “how to write a cover letter” because I’m an idiot and didn’t write one with my Career Services when I should have. I told my counselor I wasn’t comfortable with inflating the truth and she told me to come back when I was ready to take this seriously.
So here is the actual real-life cover letter I’m sending out on a completely random application. Much like the Peace Corps, it was a total stretch and I ain’t hearing back from ’em so what does it matter?
Bachelor of Arts in Int’l Affairs with a Minor in French, Magna Cum Laude
Voted “Most Likely to be a TV Host”, Ms. Eisenman’s 8th Grade Class
“Probably one of the best people I’ve ever met. Really classy. Terrific. Not as beautiful as my daughter Ivanka though” -Donald J. Trump
“YOU NEED HER IN THIS PROGRAM SO MUCH THAT I AM USING CAPSLOCK. ALSO THE CAPSLOCK IS BROKEN ON MY PHONE SO IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO GET IT UNSTUCK THAT WOULD BE VERY APPRECIATED” -Tina Fey
“I would definitely rank her top four of my eight children. She can be very dramatic, you know” -My mother, Melinda
My name is Maggie McMillan and I’m a post-grad millennial unlike any other post-grad millennial. My humble but comfortable childhood in America’s heartland resulted in a skewered sense of reality in which I feel like I deserve this position. I have travelled to foreign countries trying to answer the age-old question “What the #%$& should I do with my life?”. After an exciting but meh degree in International Affairs resulted in a panicked LSAT test, I realized I need to take my talents to another field. While working on my personal blog that was once called “amusing but I don’t think you should put that all online” by my grandmother, I realized my personal mission is to understand what makes a joke funny enough to make someone else click a little “like” button on their computer. I’m scrappy but also tire easily (being upfront, I have yet to complete a thirty minute yoga session without cheating but it’s on my Dream Board so it will happen). I am very sensitive to the issues my generation faces like their completely debilitating need for affirmation. On that note, I would literally do a tap dance for you for your brief assurance that I’m not just a victim of Imposter’s Syndrome. I am the superstar employee you’re looking for. I’ll actually put effort into the little messages on group birthday cards. I will never get a coffee order wrong because I’ll commit myself into finally learning the difference between a macchiato and a latte no matter how intimidating the barista. I will go the extra mile as long as it doesn’t involve actually running an extra mile. Also I’m a pretty fast typist with only the random spelling eroeirlkr. I’m ready to join your company’s vision.
I like to think that people can still make big moves and audacious measures in the job search. Like I can solve a Rubik’s Cube in a limo like Will Smith and violà, my foot is in the door! Or I can offend the ruggedly handsome VP of the company with a witty comeback during a tense roundtable interview but then we look into each other’s eyes and maybe there’s a spark there and also I’m Sandra Bullock. Or maybe, this application is just gathering dust in an inbox with all the other applications that didn’t include references from nepotistic bigwigs and daddy’s lawyers. The only person who really knows is the intern, probably named Amanda, who has to vet all of these. So all I can say is, you’re doing great, Amanda! Keep up the good work, and you know what? No one said anything but those side bangs are working for you!