humor maybe

19 Ways to Tell You’re From Zionsville

I saw this really dumb list circulating Facebook awhile ago about how to tell if you’re from Zionsville (besides just, I don’t know, looking at your address). Zionsville is my hometown which means I know the ins and outs of it. I get to make fun of it because I did my time (17 YEARS OF IT!). It isn’t perfect but it can be postcard-pretty. Here’s a more realistic list for those who are wondering.

1. You hate Carmel.

2. No, you seriously hate it.

HOW DARE YOU BE THE BETTER VERSION OF US?!!

3. You don’t even drink caramel lattes or eat caramel popcorn because you don’t even want to say the word.

4. Roundabouts are the dumbest things ever invented.

5. You got used to subliminal sexism in your high school.

Can we talk about all the negative media attention ZCHS has recently gotten for blatant sexism (a published “hotness” bracket ranking girls like sports teams) as well as uncomfortable dress codes and the travesty that is Mr. Zionsville?

6. Speaking of, feeling uncomfortable that Mr. Zionsville told girls that they’re not funny but they can be pretty statues on stage if they really want to partake

7. For some reason, everyone acted like the Royalaires were cool

But please stop littering your car with the stickers. The second high school ends, none of it mattered.

8. Who in your graduating class went to IU or Purdue?

Oh, that’s right. Silly me!

9. People complained about the skate park that only “bad kids” would go there and it would be unsafe

-EVEN THOUGH IT’S LOCATED ON A BUSY INTERSECTION IN THE MOST OPEN PART OF TOWN BUT YEAH I’M SURE YOUR LITTLE TOMMY WILL BE LED TO THE DARK SIDE, FREAKIN’ NANCY

10. You lived in a literal bubble of privilege.

11. ZPD still holds a bitter place in your heart.

Everyone acts like they have a personal vendetta against them.

12. You don’t like to go back after college and run into former classmates in Marsh or Starbucks. You tunnel-vision hard as to not make eye contact.

13. People get HYPE for Homecoming and Fall Fest for no discernible reason.

14. You hate new “institutions” in Zionsville.

-Like what even is Bub’s Burgers and where did China’s Best go? (Except the Salty Cowboy. That can stay)

15. That brick street is where dreams were made.

Except that I thought as a child that all the bricks with names on them were people who had died, not donors. I thought we were literally walking on their graves. Cute, right?

16. Zionsville’s motto should just be “Republicans. Republicans everywhere”

17. Every town meeting came straight out of Parks and Rec. It was all useless stuff but, boy were they mad about it.

18. You always complained about how boring it was….

19. But when you actually leave, you remember it like it was cutesy Americana.

(As long as you don’t have to go back to it…)

Besides the brick street and street names, Zionsville is the same town as every little suburbia ever. But hey, it’s your stereotypical little town!

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