Kyle Walker McMillan.
Born September 29, 1964.
He is the Quinquagenarian Man.
(Psst, he’s fifty years old).
I was going to do “50 REASONS WHY MY DAD IS BETTER THAN YOUR DAD” but I felt like that was overkill, so here’s a condensed list of that list:
1. My dad is a rugged man. He’s like Ron Swanson but less anarchist. When I was in first grade, I remember being corrected by my teacher when I said that “my dad was a cowboy”. BECAUSE GUYS, HE ACTUALLY WAS. He’s like old school Western movies, except not sexist and racist.
2. My dad is a wise man. He’s given me lots of pearls of wisdom in the past, like “makeup is the devil’s warpaint” or “guys, I swear I’ve seen a chupacabra!” No one is better at patiently explaining for the fiftieth time what “environmental drilling” really is or is more passionate about aquaponics.
3. My dad is a caring man. No one is more loyal or brave or sensitive. I’ve never been more proud of him then when my parents began fostering. Seeing him with those little twins was so precious. He loves fiercely.
4. My dad is a resourceful man. No one can fix anything with duct tape and zipties better than him. As my auntie Ang once said “if there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m going to straight to Kyle. He’s like McGyver!” It’s true, guys. You now know where to go if the world goes “Walking Dead”.
5. My dad is a funny man. My favorite conversation with him was when I was going to France for the first time and he said “Do not get Taken! I am not Liam Neeson! It would take processing time to even get a passport! You’d be dead!”
(A rare baby bird emerges from its shell) *Dad on a bunch of pain meds*
6. My dad is a good man. He helps anyone he can in any capacity he’s able to. He’s never judgmental or quick to give up on someone. He’s the most level-headed person I know.
7. My dad is the best possible dad to each and every one of his kids in the individual way we need him. He’s been extremely supportive of me traveling all over even though I know he prefers me close. He pushes my brothers to be better men and encourages my sisters to do anything they desire.
8. My dad is a good husband. Like most of the time. Just kidding. He’s a wonderful example of a husband and like, look at them. They’re adorable.
I’ve said it once but I’ll say it again. My dad is the best dad. The other chumps are just playing for second.
Go wild, you fifty-year-old punk.